What to Give Your Wife for Christmas

(Note to readers: This post will be more enjoyable if you try reading it aloud with a Deep South accent, somewhere in the range between Haley Barbour gumbo and Jerry Foxworthy grits.)

My conservative concern for traditional family values means that I am enthusiastically pro-marriage. In addition to my two decades of marital bliss, with six wonderful children, I'm constantly playing matchmaker with my single friends, trying to hook them up with their soulmates.

Once I get theem matched, I then begin to harass them about getting married -- "When's the wedding? Why don't y'all just run down to the courthouse and tie the knot?" -- so as to avoid a problem caused by long engagements: The temptation to fornication. You might surprised just how commonplace pre-marital sin has become in our society. Or perhaps not.

Pro-family advocacy doesn't end on the wedding day, of course. Once the young lovebirds get lawfully hitched, it's time to start badgering them about making babies. Some suspect me of furthering a clandestine agenda, but my Victory Through Breeding Program is no secret. Between sodomy and abortion (the most important "rights" for liberals), the Democratic Party is charting a path to demographic oblivion, and conservatves can hasten that process simply by doing what comes natural.

The birds and bees. Tarzan and Jane. "Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel." IYKWIMAITYD.

Despite the genius simplicity of my pro-family agenda -- "Get married and make babies" ain't rocket science, folks -- there remains the problem of divorce. A woman won't get married and breed a Duggar-sized brood if she's afraid her hubby is going to run off with some two-bit homewrecking floozy like Mark Sanford's Argentine tramp. Guys, if you want that long-lasting death-do-us-part deal, you've got to show your wife that you really love her.

Which brings us to the subject of what to buy your wife for Christmas: The Cuisinart Grind and Brew.

Trust me on this one, my friend. Nothing says "love" like the Cuisinart Grind and Brew. Add the beans, add the water, push the button and -- whirrrrrrr! -- just a few minutes later, you've got 10 cups of fresh-ground, fresh-brewed coffee.

Better Marriage Through Technology, you see, because the Cuisinart Grind and Brew comes with a timer-alarm function. Your wife can set it up at night before she goes to bed and at 6:51 a.m., be awakened by the beautiful music -- whirrrrrr! -- of that high-speed bean-grinder going into action, knowing that the coffee will be piping hot when she brings you that first cup of the morning at 7 a.m. And since you don't have to get in the shower until 7:20 a.m. . . .

Well, a little snuggle-time is a fine way to start the day. IYKWIMAITYD. But wait -- there's more!

The Cuisinart Grind and Brew features a thermal carafe that keeps your coffee hot for hours. So if your early-morning snuggle-time leaves you in such a mellow mood that you decide to call in sick at work -- "Hey, boss, I'm sorry, but I think I might coming down with something here . . ." -- that second cup will still be warm when you finally crawl out of bed about 10 o'clock.

Now, some of you fellows may be thinking to yourselves, "Do I really want to give my wife a household appliance for Christmas?" Relax, boys. This isn't like a vacuum cleaner or something. The Cuisinart Grind and Brew is a luxury gourmet experience, especially if you add a few clever gifts under the tree:

• Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans by Caffe' Sant' Eustachio -- Pure luxury from Rome's most famous cafe -- 8.8 ounces of fine beans.
• English Toffee Decaf Coffee by Red Buffalo -- Delicious toffee flavor with no caffeine makes for a relaxing hot cup on a cold winter's night -- 12 ounces of fine beans.
• Dark Roasted 100% Kona Coffee by Hawaii Roasters -- Why worry about all that "fair trade" crap from South America and Indonesia, when you can enjoy this delicious product of American imperialism? Dark roasted for that hard-core caffeine jolt to get you going in the morning -- 16 ounces of fine beans.
• Dark Chocolate & Mint Squares by Ghiradelli -- Coffee and chocolate go perfectly together, and Ghirdelli is the world's finest -- 5.32 ounces of deliciousness in a gift bag. If your wife likes dark chocolate, she might also like their Twilight Delight Intense Dark 72% Cacao Chocolate. For a more varied selection, give her Ghiradelli's Ghiradelli Holiday Assortment, which comes in an attractive gift tin.
• William Wallace Shortbread Highlanders by Walkers -- OK, she's got the coffee, she's got the chocolate -- what's missing? Cookies! And these delicious shortbread cookies are 29% butter. They come in a beautiful 14-ounce tin commemorating Scottish freedom fighter William "Braveheart" Wallace, so the missus can indulge her Mel Gibson fantasies, too.
• Imported Scottish Pure Butter Assorted Shortbread Cookies by Walkers -- Yes, my friends, this lovely gift tin contains the motherlode: Nearly four pounds of high-calorie, cholesterol-filled goodness. And smart husbands know the secret message here: "No, honey, you're not getting fat. There's just more to love."

Well, there you have it, fellows. The secret of a long, happy marriage is to give your wife something thoughtful for Christmas.

The best part? You can remind her how much you love her 364 days a year, just by saying those magic words that every woman longs to hear: "Hey, honey, can you fix me another cup of coffee?"

Merry Christmas, y'all!

UPDATE: Addressing some reaction to my pro-family agenda. Also, trying to explore new frontiers in shameless capitalist blogging.